Confessions of a TWO Parenting a FOUR: Psalms 102 and the Roll of Toilet Paper
This is a very personal parenting story and I’ve debated sharing it. But I know it was a powerful moment between me, Raegan and the Holy Spirit and it’s a message that I think we all need to hear. This is less about the Enneagram and more about choosing the truth over feelings. Remember that TWOS, THREES, and FOURS usually feel first and then react second from those feelings.
Well, we had another teachable parenting moment the other night. I think it was a bunch of things that built up that led to Raegan exploding. I didn’t see the straw that broke the camel’s back, but apparently she accidentally dropped a ball in McKenna’s dessert. I don’t know how Sam reacted other than she said he got mad and told her that now she had to eat it. Sam said he didn’t think he was angry or upset. But I know that Raegan can make a mountain out of a mole hill. We then tried to all pick out a movie to watch together as a family. She refused to watch anything and ran upstairs. Each of us took turns trying to coax her back downstairs, but it was futile. I texted her that I would put it on the calendar the next day to watch Dr. Doolittle with her (no one ever wanted to watch that with her and I kept forgetting that I promised her that I would). She quickly deleted the event off the family calendar.
At that point, McKenna had had enough with her attitude and took the job of texting Raegan herself. I didn’t see the exchange, only McKenna’s face and frustration. After that, I knew that it would either take time or it would take Mama going up there to talk face to face. Using time to make things better doesn’t work on everything. So I left the movie and headed upstairs.
Raegan’s room is directly over the back porch roof, so I often find her out there when she’s upset or needs a change of scenery-like when she doesn’t want to do homework but she knows she needs to. And that’s exactly where I found her. I am not a big fan of heights or sitting on a roof but I knew that there was no way I was going to coax her back inside. So I pulled together all of my courage and hoisted myself out the window and on top of the roof. I could tell that she had already been crying for awhile and decided that it was best to just put my arm around her and hold her. But she instantly pulled away. Most of the time my children could at least been comforted if I tried to hold them. I felt the sting of that rejection but was not deterred.
“Can you tell me what you are feeling, Raegan?”
“Everyone hates me and I don’t have a place in this family!”
Ouch! Deep breath! “Can you tell me why you feel that way?”
“Dad just gets mad at me all of the time no matter what I do, no one will ever watch what I want to watch because they are baby movies, and McKenna called me a sobby little preteen!”
Oh boy…deep breath! “Can you tell me how that means that we all hate you?”
“You and dad don’t even treat me the same as everyone else. When Anna came over you made us work in the backyard and you never make anyone else’s friends work outside. You are just trying to keep me away from Anna.” A little off track but I’m glad that she is at least talking
Okay, Holy Spirit. Help! “I can see how you would think that.” Another deep breath and then the Holy Spirit began to download what to do. “Raegan, this is what I believe. I know that I love you and love you fiercely!” Cue the tears…deep breath.
“I think that you are letting your emotions tell you what you believe. You feel hurt and angry right now and that is 100% okay to feel. But you are letting that hurt and anger tell you how to react and what to believe. And that’s not always okay.”
“No it’s true. No one loves me.”
“Raegan, do you really believe that’s true? If you do, then I feel really hurt by that. Let me tell you something that may be hard to believe. Adults make mistakes! Dad and I make mistakes all…of…the…time!”
“Oh I know.” Well at least she can believe that!
“And I don’t know what dad got upset tonight but it definitely wasn’t because he doesn’t love you. And I want to apologize for continually forgetting to watch the movie with you. Will you forgive me?”
“I know it wasn’t a priority. I wasn’t a priority.” Okay, good feedback. Note to self…put things on the calendar so I remember to do what I promised Raegan.
“I apologize if I did anything to make you feel like you aren’t a priority. That is never my intention!” At this point we are both a bit snotty on the roof, and she tries to go inside and get a tissue. I was scared that we would lose momentum or that she wouldn’t even come back. So hoping to get a little laugh I said, “Stay here. Just wipe your face on your shirt. I can always wash it.”
“Oooooo...that’s gross, mom.” But I at least got a smile.
I took that little break in the intense emotions to put my arm around her again. She relaxed a little bit and put her head on my shoulder. I like to sing songs when a good lyric arises so I sing “Put your head on my shoulders. Hold me in your arms, baby!” As I get an eye roll from Raegan, the Holy Spirit shares another idea with me. “Hold on Raegan. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.” Facing my fear of the roof again, I stand up and climb back through the window. I quickly find the bible that Raegan had been using that was actually Sam’s when he was growing up. I always smile when I see that bible. Then I take another deep breath, climb back onto the roof and quickly sit down again.
“Do you remember King David from the Old Testament?”
“Yeah.”
“God called him a man after His own heart. Does it sound like David was really close to God and had an easy life?” I get a shrug, but at least she is listening. “I love Psalms mostly because they are so raw and real. I love that David and other psalmists start out lamenting and complaining but usually there is this turning point when they say ‘But God’ and then they recite the truth. They start with their feelings but move into the truth about what they actually believe.”
She’s quiet but still listening. Now to find the perfect Psalms to illustrate what I’m talking about. My mind, of course, goes blank. Alright, Holy Spirit. Help me out again. I quickly find Psalms and just look at the first scripture that opens up. Psalms 102. Not ringing any bells of recollection and I try to do a little scan before deciding to just start reading.
Here is exactly what I read. “‘Hear my prayer, Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call answer me quickly.’” Well that’s a good start. “Raegan, does it sound like King David experienced troubles and emotions of hurt?” Another shrug. “‘For my days vanish like smoke; my bones burn like glowing embers. My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat food.’” She looks up quickly and I can’t even believe what I am reading! Raegan has always struggled with getting overly hungry so much so that she will not eat and we have to force her to eat even a bite of food! It’s gotten much better as she has matured and realized her issue. But now I’m reading that even King David had trouble eating when he was in pain.
She is a captive audience now and so I continue with verse 5. “‘In my distress I groan aloud and am reduced to skin and bones. I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on the roof.’ What in the world?” I say aloud, in awe of this verse. Here we are sitting on top of a roof reading King David’s lament! Even Raegan is in disbelief! “Raegan, I am not making this up,” I say as I show her the passage.
I keep reading unsure if what I want more is to keep looking for similarities or wanting to get to David’s turning point. “‘For I eat ashes as my food and mingle my drink with tears...’” Then here it is in verse 12. “’But you, Lord, sit enthroned forever; your renown endured through all generations. You will arise and have compassion on Zion, for it is time to show favor to her; the appointed time has come.’ There it is, Raegan. There is the ‘But, you oh Lord’. David always gets to where he acknowledges the truth after pouring out all his pain, hurt and anger to God.”
She then breaks out in tears and begins sobbing. “I’m so stupid!”
My fragile heart just breaks open! “Why are you saying that?”
“I make so many mistakes! And tonight I did it again!”
Pulling her closer, I let her cry a minute as I think through this new admission. “Raegan do you think King David ever made mistakes?”
She cries a bit more and then collects herself. “Oh, I know he did. We talked about it in school.” One point awarded to Christian school!
“Well then you know that he took another man’s wife and then he sent that man to the frontlines of the war and the man was killed. God STILL called King David a man after His own heart! Do you think you sinned worse than killing a man?”
“No, probably not.”
“What you did tonight was believe your feelings over believing the truth that God loves you deeply and that your parents and your family love you deeply. And the truth that God made you unique and special and put you in our family for an amazing purpose. And the good news is that it’s never too late to start believing the truth.”
At this point in the conversation we are both even more snotty. So she stands up and starts to climb back through the window. “I have to go get a tissue!” She apparently does not like my idea of using her clothing as a snot rag. She quickly comes back with half a roll of toilet paper, dries her tears, and blows her nose.
“Do you believe that we hate you?”
“No I guess not.” At least I got an inch.
“I know that we can all make a bigger effort at showing you love and showing you that you are a priority in this family. You may need to come out of your room more and make a point to be with the family. And we can make a point to listen to your suggestions. Okay?”
“What do I do now?”
Hoping to get the chance to pray with her I say, “You can ask for forgiveness from God and dad and McKenna. And I know that if you go downstairs and crawl in your daddy’s lap that he will hold you like a giant bear!”
Before I could say anything else, the newly retrieved roll of toilet paper tips over and starts to roll down the roof. Raegan jumps up and starts to run after it. HER life is flashing before MY eyes. “Raegan! Stop!! Just let it go!” Thankfully she stops in the middle of the roof and walks back to me as we watch it roll all the way from the second story down to our backyard. We look at each other and then a laugh bubbles up in each of us. She sits down and we just laugh as we watch the toilet paper blow in the wind. And just like that, the joy and laughter began to heal the pain of the evening and both of our wounds, regardless if they were self-inflicted or caused by someone else.
I tried to pull us back on track, but she kept making toilet papering jokes. The Holy Spirit whispered to me, “That’s all for tonight. I’ll take it from here.”
We climbed back into the room (thank goodness!) and headed downstairs where Sam and McKenna were still watching the movie. She instantly ran to Sam and crawled in his lap. He wrapped her in his arms, just like I knew he would. We spent the rest of the evening holding onto her tightly and laughing at the movie that she was sure wouldn’t be funny! And I got to sit in between two of my lovely daughters. Both so different from each other but unique in their own special ways. My compassionate, deep feeler and my joyful adventurer.
I watched the movie but I was really silently thanking God that I listened to His prompting. And so grateful that a conversation that I was fearing was definitely led by the Holy Spirit. I went to bed committing to work on the things that I had promised her and committing to hold her to that higher standard of truth even when she doesn’t “feel it.” And that is a good reminder for us all!