Confessions of a TWO: Office Parties and Brick Walls

I’ve recently been rewatching The Office with my 15-year old, McKenna. I don’t usually Enneagram type fictional characters in TV shows and movies, (okay that’s a lie-I do it all the time) but sometimes a character will do something that is the definition of a type, and I can’t help myself! Jim and Pam both exhibit traits of a NINE, Michael Scott either a THREE or an SEVEN, and Angela is very clearly a ONE! We are now in season 8 and an obvious TWO trait jumped out at me! It’s like looking in a mirror when I see characters reacting in TWO traits.

Andy and Robert confront Erin.

This happened with none other than sweet Erin, played by Ellie Kemper, the receptionist. You can always tell that she clearly wants to help and serve others, but the way she does it is just a little off, well sometimes a lot off. For instance, she asked the new CEO, Robert California, played by the talented James Spader, if he would like a cold beverage. He says he would just like coffee, so she brings him back old, cold coffee in a regular coffee mug. Erin desperately wants to serve and be appreciated, but she assumes that she know what the person would want; i.e. a cold beverage on a hot day. Of course the writers were just trying to be funny and sometimes a little humor can highlight some tendencies that we have in our blind spots.

Robert California never lets anyone get away with anything no matter the motivation behind it. In the episode Spooked, Erin is in charge of the Halloween party. Andy is now the regional manager and Andy and Erin have always had an unspoken attraction to each other. I can’t quite pin Andy’s number but I know he has some daddy issues and clearly wants to impress Robert (maybe a THREE). Poor guy just wants to hear “I see you and I’m so impressed with your success, talent, and leadership skills!” When he overhears Robert’s son say how lame the party is, Andy puts Angela and Phyllis in charge to make it a little edgier. Innocent Erin had decorated with cute pumpkins and spiderwebs. And then Andy tells Erin that he needs to speak with her at the end of the day.

In typical TWO behavior, Erin wants her efforts to be valued and appreciated and so she draws to the conclusion that Andy is going to fire her because of the way she decorated the party (and on top of all the other efforts to help that never quite add up.) So she assumes that she needs to go over-the-top edgy to be liked again by Andy and save her job. And no one does over-the-top edgy quite like awkward and quirky Gabe. Erin ends up showing one of Gabe’s videos that has the whole office disgusted and creeped out within seconds. Everyone is lashing out at Erin and she says, “I’m sorry. I got confused. I heard you wanted to make the party more adult…” And then it goes further downhill in a way that will not be talked about on this blog :)

Which leads a very embarrassed Erin into Andy’s office with Robert. Here is the important part of the conversation that follows.

Andy: What we have here is a classic misunderstanding.

Robert: Why didn’t you simply ask Andy to clarify? That seems like an easy thing to do.

Erin: All I knew is that you wanted to have a talk with me at the end of the day and I got nervous, so…

Andy: Did you think I was going to fire you?

Erin shrugs.

Andy: No, I wasn’t.

One of the lines that stood out to me the most was “Why didn’t you simply ask Andy to clarify? That seems like an easy thing to do.” The reason it jumps out at me is because for me, and other TWOS, it is certainly NOT an easy thing to do. But it should be. TWOS have a superpower of feeling other’s emotions and wishes, but sometimes it’s their kryptonite. Sometimes it leads to split second assumptions that, when left unclarified and unchecked, can have adverse affects that were not intended. TWOS often feel first and then act second without thinking those actions all the way through. Erin heard that her party was lame, Andy asked her to speak with him at the end of the day, Erin jumped to the conclusion that Andy was going to fire her, and so she took the party to inappropriate places without asking for even a second opinion to this assumption. Her need for appreciation overruled any sensibility and forethought.

Thousands of times throughout my life I have heard someone say something (often out of context) or felt someone’s emotions (often not projected at me), made an assumption in my intense motivation to be loved and valued, and then, without thinking or clarifying, took an action that was unwanted. This usually leads to hurt feelings and further deepens my hole of not feeling loved. This may sound foreign to other numbers, but I promise that an unhealthy TWO will do this all of the time!

On the weekends during this quarantine, my husband and I have been doing a lot of building projects together. We usually don’t work well together and I eventually leave with my feeling’s hurt because of his brash demeanor. But upon my own self-discovery, I have been determined to help him effectively. Most of the time, I have been doing much better. However, this particular day, I just wasn’t seeing his vision for the yard. This had me blindly and painstakingly shoveling up hundreds of bricks from an old walkway and then using the bricks to build a wall around the new flower bed. He had already moved the bricks that he told me to lay out to another place because he had changed his vision. Then he yelled at me for accidentally tripping over his straightedge string. So I was hot, tired, and frustrated that I was working so hard without a real plan. Being hot, tired and frustrated never adds up to healthy behavior. After hours of labor, I stood there just watching him build this wall very precisely and not wanting to mess up anything else.

“Are you just going to stand there watching me?” Sam said with frustration in his own voice.

“I’m just waiting for you to tell me precisely what to do so that I don’t mess anything up,” I shot back.

“Well, you can pile up bricks so that I don’t have to stand up and walk over there each time I need more bricks,” he said as pointed to a pile 10 yards away.

I can certainly do that! No way I can mess this up and then he will say I did a good job! I thought as I immediately ran over to the pile of bricks and started carrying them two-by-two to where Sam stood. After about ten bricks, Sam tried to sit back down to continue building the wall, but couldn’t because I had piled the bricks right where he needed to sit.

“Why in the world would you put the bricks here? They are in my way,” he said while bending over and beginning to move the bricks out of the way himself.

Oh my goodness, I screwed up again! I didn’t even think about where the bricks should be piled or that he would need to sit in that spot! I just saw a way to help and assumed without thinking or asking a clarifying question. But my pride (which is the TWO’S weakness) was hurt and so I lashed out, “You are so picky! Here let me move them!” Then I took the brick out of his hand and threw it a yard or so away. Unfazed by my outburst, Sam just sits down and starts working again.

Then the Holy Spirit taps me on the shoulder and this is how I know that I am walking in more freedom. It didn’t take hours or even days to hear the voice and respond to it. It was mere minutes. And this is where my story intersects with sweet Erin. The Holy Spirit whispers more or less the same thing. “Why didn’t you simply ask Sam to clarify? That seems like an easy thing to do.”

I can look back and see how my strong motivation to be loved and valued led to that moment right there. Maybe he will value me more if I jump up quickly and get him all the bricks before he blinks his eyes, instead of simply asking, “Where is a good place to put them?” I felt I couldn’t ask a question or he will think I’m dumb. Well that backfired, once again. All my frustration at him and at myself was then sucked out like helium from a balloon and my pride just deflated.

“Sam, I am so sorry. This was my fault. I should have asked you where you wanted the bricks to go. I will try to ask next time,” I humbly admitted. I am not sure if Sam realized the complexity and revelation of that moment, but it was not lost on me. I smiled at myself at how quickly the Holy Spirit helped me see and adjust.

Furthermore, it’s a testimony to the power of the Enneagram! Knowing your motivation can provide a little (or sometimes huge) paradigm shift in your thoughts, feelings and behavior. It’s like going to the eye doctor for an exam. Sometimes we don’t even know the assumptions we are making based on our poor eyesight until the eye doctor says, “Do you see better with lens one or two?” while flipping the clearer lenses back and forth. What we thought was an O was actually a Q all this time! Then we can shift our mindset when we can see clearly! And we can make adjustments and shifts much faster with much less destruction.

As much as his character rubbed me the wrong way due to his own brashness, sometimes we need a Robert California to ask an obvious and simply question to ask an obvious and simply question! Now that you have made it to the end of this very long blog, I will give you a reward. Here is some advice for all the TWOS out there. ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS and DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!! And if you are in a relationship with a TWO and you know that this is a struggle of theirs, then sometimes asking, “Do you have any questions?” or “Do you understand?” can give them the freedom and check to clarify further. This will save all involved from miscommunication, conflict, and pain. Trust me on this!

I would love to hear your comments about which Enneagram numbers you think key The Office characters are and why!