Confessions of a TWO married to an EIGHT: The 20th Anniversary

In honor of my 20th Anniversary this week, I’ll share a marriage discovery since learning about the Enneagram. I can’t speak for my husband, Sam, but I can share my own personal experiences. Sam and I were married one year out of high school and 4 months after giving birth to our first born son. We were babies having babies. So to say that these past 20 years have been difficult would be the understatement of the century! At 19, you really haven’t had time to do much self-discovery, so we only had the influences and experiences of our parents to go off of. What little we really knew about ourselves and each other when it came to conflict, communication (much less raising other little humans) just further made a difficult situation a million times worse.

I remember being first married (*sharing embarrassing and vulnerable behavior here) and not really getting much attention or affection, or as much as I thought I needed. I would have feelings and problems that I tried to discuss but was pretty much ignored while Sam threw himself into Engineering classes at the University of Texas. Then I would get upset and go around the house slamming cabinet doors, grunting while I walked by him, or aggressively cleaning, all the while my efforts to show him I was upset went mostly unnoticed. Occasionally he would look up from studying and ask, “Is everything okay?” and then before I had time to answer, he would go back to his homework. As an EIGHT, Sam valued not being controlled or needing anyone else. Me wanting him to need me hit his trigger of not needing another to be successful. Can you see where major issues play out when you can’t put words to these issues?”

Another time only 4-5 years ago, I remember crying in the truck with Sam while he offered to hire someone to occasionally cook, clean and drive the kids around. I couldn’t put into words why this hurt me so deeply. Most wives would be crying tears of joy and throwing themselves on their husbands in appreciation. Instead I was upset and speechless as to why I felt so hurt. Other than saying that I felt like I was being replaced, I had no words to explain my reaction.

This immature behavior on my part hadn’t change much over last 20 years. Until I discovered my motivations behind my behavior. Around mid-2019, (so 19 years of damaging behavior inflicted to him and him to me) I read that as a TWO, your main desire, what you’re always striving for in anticipation that it will fulfill you, is to be appreciated, loved and wanted. I read that and it was like all the light bulbs in all of Times Square turned on above my head. I thought back to all of my manipulating behavior in an effort to get him to love and appreciate me. Slamming the cabinet doors, cooking, cleaning, saying yes to everything but not being able to get everything done or ask for help, and the cliche behavior of saying “nothing” is wrong when finally being asked if something was indeed wrong. It’s why everyone in my family kind of gave up on offering help until I was so bitter, frustrated and/or in tears because I couldn’t do it all.

Then I read that as a TWO my fear is being rejected and unwanted, being thought worthless and inconsequential, dispensable and unworthy of love. I realized that I was pushing away any kind of help because I felt like they would do it better than me and then what am I actually good for. It explained why I was so upset and felt replaced when Sam offered to hire some help while I was working a full-time job and running a busy household of six. If I couldn’t do everything then why would Sam even want me around? You can see how this unhealthy thinking was destroying me and destroying my marriage and relationships. It’s a lot of pressure on your spouse to continue to love and over-affirm your value to them. True, they should show love and appreciation, but the motivation behind why I do anything for my family should never be for the appreciation alone, or that they would reciprocate that selfless giving back to me.

Furthermore, I realized that I was trying to draw ALL of my worth, love and appreciation from Sam. That’s a lot of pressure on one person to get right 100% of the time. After several years of trying, I think he just kind of gave up, knowing that he could never please me. Learning the Enneagram gave me words to explain my needs and my motivations. Knowing that I have this deep need to be appreciated, loved and wanted now helps me see when I am over-reaching to get that need met by another person instead of reaching inside myself to discover that value. And most importantly, going to God to hear how He loves and values me. Now when I don’t feel it from others, I can draw on what God is saying about me. He calls me His beloved child and He appreciates how I love and care for my family. I also started to do things to love and care for myself. I think that took the pressure off of Sam so that now doesn’t need to be the only source of love. Sam can give to me knowing that I am taking care of myself and anything he gives is like the cherry on top. Because my well that I can draw on to give to others is continually being filled from God and from myself, I can now give out of an overflow from that well instead of the muddy and nasty mud that I would try to scrape up from the bottom before.

The Bible even refers to this very thing. In John 4, Jesus is speaking to the Samaritan at the well. She tried to find her love and value from several men throughout her life. She asks how to get this living water that Jesus spoke of. He says, “If you drink from Jacob’s well you’ll be thirsty again and again, but if anyone drinks the living water I give them, they will never thirst again and will be forever satisfied! For when you drink the water I give you it becomes a gushing fountain of the Holy Spirit, springing up and flooding you with endless life!” John 4:13 TPT

That sounded exactly like what I needed to hear! I’ve always felt such shame being needy and from manipulating in order to be loved and appreciated. But knowing who God made me and how He alone fills that deep desire, it was like decades old chains just broke off of me! And how free I feel now! When I start to feel those old roots take hold again, I quickly go back to drinking from the living water. Soon I feel that “gushing fountain of the Holy Spirit” springing up and I’m truly able to love myself and love others from that healthy and beautiful place!